Our journey into ADHD begins.

I set up this blog, excited to have a new space. One that my family, my husband, my friends do not know about. I wanted a place to put things that I would not have to worry about writing.


When I did this I had no idea my first post on my pretty new blog would be so difficult for me to write.

I have two boys, they are both smart, funny, cuddly, goofy, and cute as hell. They are very different boys with very different temperament's. My oldest though, something was different.

I knew what it was, I suspected for a while, but hoped it was just immaturity, that he would grow out of it, boys will be boys and all that. It has not gone away. I'm watching the most charismatic, charming, smart little boy, turn into the "bad kid". The kid who just does not go along, the kid who is not happy when everyone else is happy, the kid whose name is always being yelled in my house, who sometimes tantrums. He is always getting into things, he does not follow the rules. I suspected he had ADHD. I spoke to my pede about it, he said he was too young to be evaluated, that the age was 6. He was 4 1/2, we had a long way to go.

This week the word that kept popping into my head was Disruptive. He is disruptive. To his environment, to our home life. My husband was beyond frustrated with him, and had resorted to a stance of either yelling at him or cuddling with him. When he yelled "Will, you don't listen!" again, my heart started to break a little bit-I have yelled those same words over and over, but I was starting to understand that it may not be his fault.

I'm familiar with ADHD, my brother who is 14 months younger than me was diagnosed officially as an adult. He is taking meds now and has told me "Ali, this is amazing, I've never felt like this, it's all just gone, and I can do what I want to do. " Our house when we were children though sounded like no one liked him, with his name being yelled every 35 seconds for some other destructive or annoying thing he was doing. I don't want that for my son.

I don't want him to go to school and decide it's a bad thing. I'm afraid of him starting kindergarten and having a hard time doing what he is supposed to, of being as disruptive there as he is here.

I'm afraid of a really close relationship between my son and his father turning into a negative one. I have been watching it happen. While my husband did not respond well to the initial news, today I already see a change in the way he is handling Will, it makes a big difference when someone tells you that your kid is not just a bratty kid who does not listen, but a kid who CAN'T listen.

So far all we have done is the initial interview, which was me answering a ton of questions about my kid, how he behaves, how he eats, how he sleeps, how he handles stress, how he tantrums. Based on my answer I was told "ADHD is there" they want to check him for other mood disorders. That sent me into a panic. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around ADHD, what that means for my kid, my family and my parenting, and you want add new stuff to the mix?

I do not want to medicate my kid, says my gut. The Doctor we met with said that we can try behavioral stuff, but it usually does not work, even if you have a great plan, these kids do not have the impulse control to follow it. You need the meds to follow the plan. At this point I'm trying to keep an open mind, but I feel a little sick. My head is screaming 'He's not even 5 for another two weeks!!! NO,NO, NO!!!! '

I don't want my son to labeled-ADHD carries such a bad kid connotation-oh he will be the kid the teachers hate. The kid other parents don't want their children to be friends with.

So yeah I'm struggling. I know this came from me. It is genetic, my brother has it, my mom recently was diagnosed. I'm being told that I have it, and although never assessed, I can see it. I also know that there are a whole lot of worse things in the world to be told about your child. This one is doable, please forgive me if a panic a little while I figure out how to do it.